One of the strongest desires in life is to feel understood. People want others to see their good intentions, recognize their thoughts and struggles, and empathize with their choices. This desire for validation stems from being social creatures who thrive on belonging and safety, which requires feeling valued and accepted.
In one relationship, the writer described feeling unsafe because the other person never tried to understand them. This person assumed the worst, belittled beliefs and opinions, and mocked attempts to share thoughts and feelings. The writer felt hurt, invalidated, and responded with anger, fighting and crying to force understanding.
The writer later realized that trying to force others to be who they think they should be causes pain. A more empowering approach is to be that person themselves. This meant understanding the person who would not understand them.
Digging deeper, the writer found unresolved traumas in the other person that likely led to feelings of shame and vulnerability. This created a need to appear strong and impenetrable, blocking new ideas and deep connection. The writer came to believe that when someone refuses to understand, it often comes from deep pain blocking them from love.
The writer recalled an article about a mother-in-law who complained about her daughter-in-law’s couch. The author suggested the mother-in-law may have been raped on a similar couch. This highlighted how everyone has secret pains that manifest in hurtful behaviors. The writer acknowledged having shut people out when triggered by painful memories.
This perspective does not justify disrespect or abuse. But if understanding is the goal, the key may be to choose understanding. By broadening perspective beyond personal safety in a moment, people can help create greater safety for everyone. Offering understanding may influence others to heal their pains and open their hearts when ready.
The best thing to say to someone who does not understand you is, “I understand that you can’t understand.” This means accepting the other person where they are, even without knowing what drives them. There is always some explanation rooted in past events and psychological factors.
This approach requires creating boundaries, such as avoiding specific conversations or maintaining physical distance. It requires pausing before reacting impulsively or in anger. It also requires mourning the relationship hoped for, knowing that compassion is offered to someone who may never give it back.
The writer finds comfort in taking this higher road because it is less painful for themselves and everyone they encounter. When choosing to be the change they wish to see, it becomes less important that others see or value them. The writer knows they are coming from a place of love, kindness, and integrity, which provides a strong foundation for navigating a world full of hurt people.
