People-pleasing may be more than a personality trait. It could be a response to serious trauma, according to a personal account that explores the roots of this behavior and how to change it.
The person who shares this story grew up in a home, school, and church that placed a high value on good behavior, self-discipline, and corporal punishment. She describes herself as a model child – quiet and pleasant, never sent to the principal’s office. Complaining and what were considered ugly emotions were not allowed. Although she was rambunctious and rebellious as a toddler, that part of her personality was gone by the time she was school-aged.
She felt unsafe in her body at the slightest hint that someone was upset with her. That feeling was enough to tame her inner rebel for many years. She carried this pattern into adulthood. At work, she found herself with supervisors who would lose their temper often. She worked harder than anyone else to avoid getting in trouble. When colleagues were yelled at, they laughed it off. But when the anger was directed at her, she felt anxious for hours.
It took many years to learn the reason: some people are conditioned from a young age to develop a deep fear of losing a sense of belonging and safety in relationships. To cope, they develop strategies that, for some, turn into people-pleasing.
The common thread among people-pleasers is feeling beholden to others. They put their own needs last and feel obligated to manage everyone else’s happiness. They are hypersensitive to being judged, shamed, and rejected. They worry about what others think, overextend themselves to help, and feel anxiety and guilt when they stand up for themselves. If these patterns are not addressed, resentment, frustration, and anger can build up. This compromises emotional and physical well-being and creates a sense of powerlessness.
The author states that people are not responsible for juggling other people’s emotions. They do not owe anyone comfort, nor are they a receptacle for others’ emotional venting, unhealed trauma, or misdirected anger. Time, energy, and well-being are not up for negotiation. People do not deserve guilt-tripping manipulation. While one cannot control how others show up in relationships, changing patterns of powerlessness is possible without giving up a genuine desire to care for others.
Brain Ruts
The logical steps to stop people-pleasing include setting boundaries, speaking truth, being more confrontational, using one’s voice, separating feelings from others, and putting needs first. But something gets in the way of taking these steps. Willpower or more self-discipline is not the answer. Reading books about “grabbing life by the horns” or “growing some balls” is not helpful. Muscling through anxiety or guilt does not work. Giving up generosity or empathy is not required. Becoming “thicker-skinned” or less sensitive is not the goal – sensitivity is described as a gift.
The little-known truth about people-pleasing is that it is a learned pattern that turns on repeatedly in the unconscious mind. Whether it is avoiding conflict, freezing up when needing to speak truth, or feeling guilty, people-pleasing is a survival strategy. All survival strategies are automated behaviors, thoughts, and emotions that turn on unconsciously. That is why simply trying harder does not work – one cannot beat the speed at which the unconscious mind activates these patterns.
Ninety percent of how people show up in life is unconscious and based on the past. The brain saves energy by automating decisions, behaviors, and feelings. Bad habits are like brain ruts. Every time a people-pleasing habit appears, the brain travels down the same neural pathway, deepening the grooves – much like a dirt path forms over time. This well-worn path seems safer than walking through the wild, unruly grass, which feels unfamiliar and risky. The thought of standing up to someone, such as an evil mother-in-law, triggers anxiety.
But a point comes when one longs to be in the wild grass. That grass represents a life of taking up space, putting needs first, being in pleasure, and feeling great emotional well-being. The leap into that life requires planting new seeds in the unconscious mind and watering them regularly.
Planting Seeds
If people-pleasing were no longer a problem, what would be possible? Imagine a scenario where the pathways of the unconscious mind are already reconfigured. One feels confident, powerful, and unapologetic. Whose rules would stop being followed? What boundaries would be put in place? Whose misdirected emotions would feel bulletproof against? What responsibilities would be given up? What self-indulgence would be treated to? What truths would come out – truths so electric that one feels ready to burst if not said?
Fantasizing about an ideal life is intoxicating because the brain is wired to believe what it imagines. A part of the brain does not know the difference between real and imaginary – the same reason people get emotionally pulled into TV and movies. When the critical thinking part of the mind goes quiet, the unconscious mind is accessed, where habits are formed and ideas are most influential.
To get out of a people-pleasing brain rut, one needs to plant seeds in the unconscious mind to influence oneself to show up the way desired. Done with repetition, these seeds help build new neural pathways, making it possible to be one’s best self at home, at work, and in the community.
One powerful way to plant seeds is visualization while in a deeply relaxed state.
Start in the Right Frame of Mind. Visualization works best when feeling relaxed and calm in the body. If actively triggered, the person should self-regulate emotions before visualizing. A quick way is to combine a breathing exercise with stimulation of acupressure points on the wrist. Grab one wrist with the opposite hand and squeeze. Take a big inhale, hold for a couple seconds, then exhale twice as long. Repeat two to three times. Once grounded, find a quiet place without interruptions.
Get Specific. The brain works in specific, finite ways. To imagine being a badass who lives life on one’s terms means picturing exactly what that looks like. Imagine oneself in specific situations – speaking up, setting boundaries, feeling confident. The goal is to plant detailed seeds in the unconscious mind to build new neural pathways that replace the old people-pleasing grooves.